Its not about dying that is scary, Its the process of watching your love ones suffer and die.
That's the most terrible thing.
But what can we really do about it?
I am really jobless and happy. LOL
Jobless shouldn't really link with the word happy but for me its real.
I have never really enjoy myself so much since i started working which is right after i graduate from ITE.
Everyday is like working life, boring, meaningless, tired.
24 hours is absolutely not enough.
But for now, without a job, i can enjoy for the whole bloody day. Laughing non stop 24 hours a day.
Walking around the whole of Singapore trying to make my leg break.
I really enjoy the freedom of my life now.
Nobody is pressuring me to get a job and i am not really in need of money.
I just feel rather guilty seeing old people working really hard to earn just a little bit of the money while the young and strong, me, slacking around doing nothing.
But that is life. Unfair.
Its sad to see old people working so hard yet nobody is helping them.
But some work because they are lonely.
Too lonely.
I find that most of the old people in Singapore are so lonely, they rather spend their time collecting old card boxes from the roadside or maybe collecting empty cans.
Its not that they don't have their own children, its because they don't want to add burden to their children.
So they have to find their own stuff to do.
Why can't people just be more loving towards the elderly. More caring.
Instead of just throwing them around.
Only concerning for them when money related affairs are concern.
I have seen too many life examples.
Even in my own relatives.
What can i really say, when i am only a 20 years old girl. I can't possibly go up to the person and say :" You sucks"
Can i?
Life is never fair, everybody have to fight for everything they want.
Everybody have to fight for everything they love.
Because when sometimes you missed a chance, it will never come back.
Its just like when my grandma pass away, all i could do was cry.
But i should have love her more when she was around.
When her body was being carried out of the van to be placed in the coffin, i didn't know how to express myself.
I was very confuse, i couldn't accept that the dead person in front of me was my grandma.
The woman i was with every night.
I don't know whether i should be relief because she didn't have to suffer from the pain or should i be sad because she is gone FOREVER.
My heart was terribly confuse.
I went home to wash up during the night and went back to her wake shortly after.
I offer her joss sticks and the moment i walk up to her coffin, my tears just flow freely.
I couldn't control them.
My sister have to comfort me instead of me comforting them.
I couldn't imagine i have to live without her for the rest of the life.
The pain was unbearable.
I stood by her wake for the remaining 2 days.
I tried to be happy, tried to make everybody smile because everybody was feeling as terrible as me, tried not to make people worry about me.
I tried to hide everything i was feeling.
Its hard. Really hard.
But one ASSHOLE even had the mood to ask my cousin to buy beer for him. I don't know does he even have a HEART.
BLODDY ASSHOLE.
I am so ashamed of you. She didn't blame you for what you have done because she love you way too much.
WHEN YOU ASKED FOR HELP, SHE GAVE YOU HER SAVING TO HELP YOU WITH EVERYTHING, SHE ALWAYS GIVE YOU THE BEST IN EVERYTHING!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO WORK AND GIVE HER MONEY INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY ROUND!
YOU TOOK HER LOVE FOR GRANTED!
I CALLED YOU UNCLE JUST BECAUSE I HAD TO BE RESPECTFUL NOT BECAUSE I TAKE YOU AS MY UNCLE.
UNCLE IS JUST A WORD, AN EMPTY SHELL WITHOUT ANY MEANING UNLESS YOU PUT IN SOME EFFORT IN THE KINSHIP. WHICH OF CAUSE YOU DON'T!
SERIOUSLY YOU DON'T DESERVE MY LEAST BIT OF RESPECT.
I WANTED TO GIVE YOU A FEW SLAPS AND A KICK IN THE ASS AND SCOLD YOU RIGHT THERE but i know grandma will be so angry with me for doing that.
So i just ignore.
Ignorance is bliss.
When Elton send me home on his bike, i was tearing all the way. The tears from my eyes just couldn't stop flowing.
He tried so hard to comfort me but i just stood there all night,crying.
I cried because i had lost somebody so important, somebody that occupied so much of the space in my heart, somebody that i look forward to seeing everyday.
Not 1 day, not 3 day, not 1 month, not 1 year, not 10 years. ITS FOREVER that i lost her.
I have been telling myself not to cry, not to make everybody worry about me but i just couldn't control my inner self.
That day when her body was cremated, everybody shouted for her name.
I just stood there crying silently.
My uncle (the one who love me very much, often bringing me out to play) offer me a tissue. I could see that he was tearing too.
My uncle was a gangster last time. He would fight very frequently and get himself into a lot of trouble but he have a heart of gold. He would protect his brothers, his friends, his family.
He gave way to everybody. He is one of the best people i know. He will make time for my birthday, my parties even though he is very busy. I am very thankful i got a uncle like this.
When i earn money next time i would like to treat him to dinner.
That was the saddest time in my 19 years of life when the coffin went into the fire.
That moment will always be engrave in my heart.
From then on, i often cry myself to sleep.
Its so hard to look at her pictures at home. Its so hard to think of those times we had together.
Its so hard to think they she will not be able to scold me :"CRAZY" anymore.
No more home cook food, no more sharing of milo, no more watching of mid night movies together.
Its actually, happiness, saddness, anger, laughter that brought us closer and closer each day.
If two person don't experience saddess or anger together just plain happiness, the love for each other will not be so deep.
Its when you taste everything together, it gets so sweet that you want to taste it everyday.
That's me and my grandma, we quarrel, we fight, we argue but at the end of the day, she will be my loving grandma.
Who still cooks for me, buy delicious food for me to make me so fat.
I remember when i took pay for the first time and gave her some money, she was so happy.
She told everybody, her sister, my aunties, my cousins. She told everybody that i gave her money.
I just gave her $20.00.
Maybe its not a lot to her but she really treasure it.
She kept every $20.00 that i gave her in her purse.
:)
When i got my driving license, i wanted to take her out for a ride but she told me she couldn't walk that much already as her condition was deteriorating.
When she was in hospital i bought lots of food to her bed to share with her but she can hardly eat. I ate myself. LOL.
I bought, laska, nasi lemak, fish ball noddles, etc etc :P
Sometimes she cant bare the delicious smell and tell me to let her have some. So cute and funny.
When her condition started to go worst, she cant even get out of the bed. I even clean her backside for her because she couldn't reach it herself. She was so weak. I didn't mind cleaning her backside for her everyday if i need to.
I am not scare of dirtying my hands.
I thought she was going to pull through everything.
She was strong.
My aunt was at her bedside all the time.
I watch how everybody got tired out. In and out daily. Everybody was so tired. So tired.
My grandma was tired too.
In order to lessen everybody burden, i think she choose that way.
Maybe because of the pain that is inflicted on her.
Can you bare to watch your love ones all suffering for you.
I think grandma wants to tell me : "其实不想走" (Actually she didn't want to leave)
But she didn't have a choice.
I have lots to write about my grandma, its an endless story.
A wonderful life story. A wonderful love story.
Not for relationship but kinship.
The memories that will last a life time.
Till here for now...
ABT, pictures for you.
School and buildings in Singapore. very high class one.
:)
enjoy
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