Home.

Since young, my aunt and my grandma were the ones who brought me up.
My parents have been working hard earning money for the family and hence i think their relationships with me were not as close as me and my grandma.
I didn't blame them, or shouldn't blame them because they were the ones who work really hard for the money to feed the family.
I am also very thankful to grow up in the family safe and sound.
But sometimes, i find that whenever i am in trouble, i couldn't turn to them for help.
It would be so so so difficult to open my mouth and ask them for help.
I don't know its because of the embarrassment or the awkward situation.
I envy those who can share their thought and troubles with their parents openly.
I feel rather angry with my dad sometimes because i think he is so pian xin. I don't ask him to buy things for me unless he volunteer to pay for it willingly. Mostly are Chelsea's stuff because he loves football a lot. Often, i find that he treats my sisters nicer then he treat me.
Like the way he talks to them, especially, my 2nd sister. Whenever i bring my youngest sister out he would scold me on the phone and ask me to bring her back quickly and then continue scolding me once i step into the house. I usually choose to ignore his scolding because if i were to argue back then everything would escalate. But if my 2nd sister were to bring her out, he would tell her nicely to quickly bring her home in a very nice tone. I don't know why he will always treat me differently. And mind you, the words he use to scold me are really hurtful. I don wish to elaborate here because i am not trying to say bad things about him its just that i don't really know what he is thinking about at times. I don't know whether is the anger that made him say all that. But he doesn't really know its really hurtful.
Whenever my sis wants to stay over at her bf house, he allows without a single word of objection. But for me, its always NO. Seriously, he thinks that people who can study better and have higher qualification are wiser.
Whenever he wants me to help him in something, he would talk to me really nicely.
Even though at times when i was really angry at him, i would just keep my mouth shut and do the chores.
He would never ask my sister to help around in the housework.
I really don't mind helping around but i don't like his attitude towards everything.
When his siblings or my relative ask him for help, he wont reject them. Whenever i seems to be in trouble, the only thing he would say is :" ask you to study every time don study only play play play, next time suffer then you know"
i don't know whether to him this is consider advice or not but to me its kinda condemning.
Its not like i don't put in effort.
I don't like studying so i find my own job,Use my own money to buy stuff that i like, don't ask them for allowances, don't ask them for money.
And guess what, i am 21st yr old and i have been working for like nearly 3 years already.
I admit i don't have savings but i don't take their money. I don't take use their money and if i borrow money from them i will return them every single cent the following month that i got my pay.
Every month, i pay for my own hp bills and give them their allowance.
When i borrow money from them, they will start to say :" always only know how to spend and spend".
When others borrow from them, in terms of hundred and thousands, they have no objections.
They simply lent.
Mind you, i don't borrow from them such huge amounts. They didn't even ask me what i really need the money for.
They just simple scold and continue their nagging.
I find it so unfair because people borrow huge amts and not return but i am their daughter and they have to nag at every single thing i do.
So whenever i have trouble, i choose not to go to them for help.
Because i know i will have to hear all their scolding and naggings instead of words of comfort.
On the other hand, i cannot discuss my relationship openly with my mum because i know she would only say :" tell you in the beginning but you don listen"
Again, i don know whether these are words of comfort or advice.
Whenever i feel sad and close myself in the room, she would bang hardly on the doors and say :" only lock the door for what, only know how to close and hide in the room, don know doing what"
seriously what can i be doing in the room!!!
I don't know how to express myself to them at times.
I have learn not to envy because envying will get nowhere.
I have learn not to argue back because in the end i gain nothing.
Home doesn't feel really like a home to me.
I know both of my sisters love me a lot but they have also got their studies and other stuff themselves.
Sometimes, i don't even feel like coming home because i have nothing to look forward to at home beside my beautiful teddy bears.
I like to stay around with Elton and my friends because i can laugh and cry in front of them and i know they will comfort me and lent me their shoulders.
I don't need to hold myself back in front of them because i know they will not scold me or condemn me.
I don't know where i belong actually.
Sorry for being so emo this post.
I feel better after writing it out!!
and wooohooooo
MYO GYI'S CONCERT IS TOMORROW!!
AND I HAVE DECIDED NOT TO TAKE PICTURE WITH HIM AFTER THAT CONCERT BECAUSE I DON WAN HIM TO FIND ME GOD DAMM IRRITATING.
SO SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT YEAR
:)